The Importance of Staying Present in Life's Endings

Moya Sarner, an NHS psychotherapist, reflects on the significance of endings in her final column, emphasizing the importance of staying present during moments of loss and transition. Sarner shares her personal experiences surrounding her father's death and the lessons learned through psychoanalysis, advocating for the value of emotional presence in both therapy and life.

The Guardian

Sarner recounts a poignant moment at her father's bedside, where he expressed regret for "wasting everyone's time" as he faced his impending death. This prompted her to assert the value of their remaining time together, highlighting that the final chapter of his life could be profoundly meaningful. Her psychoanalyst's candid acknowledgment of her father's condition enabled her to confront her fears and be present for her family during this critical time.

The Guardian

In her narrative, Sarner describes how she and her newborn daughter were able to share precious moments with her father in a hospice setting. As her father transitioned to a peaceful death, she grappled with the fear of exposing her child to death so early in life. Ultimately, she recognized that staying in the room—both physically and emotionally—was essential for all involved. This experience underscored the notion that endings, while painful, can also be transformative and healing.

The Guardian

Sarner emphasizes the necessity of sustained psychodynamic psychotherapy within the NHS, arguing that it equips individuals with the tools to confront their emotions and stay present in challenging situations. She believes that such therapeutic practices can foster deeper connections and understanding during life's inevitable endings.

The Guardian

While Sarner's perspective is rooted in her personal and professional experiences, some may argue that not everyone finds comfort in confronting death or emotional pain. Critics might suggest that avoidance can be a coping mechanism for many, and that the pressure to remain present could be overwhelming for individuals dealing with grief.

The Guardian

• “That what I had learned through writing my book, about growing up over the course of a lifetime, was that this very last chapter of his might well be one of the most meaningful.” — Moya Sarner, NHS Psychotherapist

The Guardian

• “I didn’t need to protect her from this ending or the feelings that came with it – it would all become a part of her – and of me.” — Moya Sarner, NHS Psychotherapist

The Guardian

• “Don’t leave the room.” — Moya Sarner, NHS Psychotherapist

The Guardian

Sarner concludes her column by reiterating the importance of embracing life's endings as opportunities for growth and connection. She advocates for a shift in focus from merely building a better life to truly engaging with the life we have, ensuring that our time is not wasted. Through her experiences, Sarner encourages readers to remain present in their own lives, particularly during moments of loss and transition.

The Guardian