The Burden of People-Pleasing on Women and Queer Individuals

The author recounts a recent visit to a neighborhood café with her 10-year-old daughter. When the owner greeted them warmly, the daughter responded with a “stony expression” and “ungiving eyes,” prompting the author to chastise her for lacking manners. Observing her daughter’s genuine bad mood, the author realized she had been enforcing a gendered expectation that girls should automatically mirror others’ positivity. This incident sparked a broader reflection on the cost of people-pleasing for women and girls.

The Guardian

The author describes a lifelong pattern of suppressing personal feelings to appear likable, a habit intensified by the need to conceal her lesbian identity. She cites psychologist Mary Pipher ( *Reviving Ophelia* ) who links excessive people-pleasing to a “split self” and the creation of a “false self” that conforms to gendered norms. The piece also references feminist journalist Rebecca Traister ( *Good and Mad* ), who argues that women’s anger is routinely portrayed as “ugly, unappealing, dangerous” and therefore discouraged. These sources illustrate how cultural messaging pushes women—especially queer women—to adopt extreme agreeability as a protective strategy.

The Guardian

While substitute-teaching in New York City at age 48, the author felt compelled to maintain a perpetual smile for unruly students, fearing that visible anger would reinforce negative stereotypes. After studying seasoned educators, she adopted four practices: clear behavioral directives, immediate response to transgressions, balanced discipline with affection, and a non-punitive stance. She notes that her daughter is beginning to model similar assertiveness, declining unwanted attention and choosing activities that suit her preferences.

The Guardian

The author argues that women who reject the “people-pleasing” script often encounter gaslighting, retaliation, or even violence. She observes that male colleagues typically command attention and respect more easily, attributing this disparity to a pervasive sexist culture. The piece concludes that collective rejection of over-prioritizing others’ comfort could normalize the expression of both “likability and disagreeability,” fostering greater dignity and self-respect for all genders.

The Guardian